yes, they will

May 2012 i was reading a book and this got me. what i learned so far: life will give you trials to overcome and in each trials, you have something to gain-- may it be knowledge, belief, new or dismounted theories, friends, experience, something new about yourself. it may not change the person you are, but something will definitely change. my mind doesn't want to stop thinking. i want my life back then. so peaceful. surviving but contented. i am not in a position to say what i want or say "this is what i deserve" or "i deserve better." nobody deserve something. i am not a religious person but this life is just lent to us. we must make the most of it but know your purpose. now, i am a mother to my angel, a daughter to my parents, a friend to a friend, relative to my relatives, a colleague to my past and present officemates, a citizen of my country and a wife to my husband. all these roles, it is my belief that i should do good, be thankful for them. 'cause these people, may they're rich or poor, you like or dislike, one way or another, they had an impact and touched your life. and you should do good, treat them good. don't be burden. they may not care for you like you do, but do good. it think God, because of this belief, blessed me. i may rant about marriage or my parents, but they're all i got. these are the people i care about. that's my belief. 'cause in the end. these relationship are the only thing i got. not money nor riches. someone to lean on. i think that the most important foundation in life. have the feeling you belong somewhere and someone cares for you. these people are my riches. and i will always treasure them. whatever i feel, bottomline, we will always have each other, separated or not, i'll always have their backs.

between the sunshine and the rain

taken on April 2012 May 22, 2012 i was overwhelmed by the response on my last post. i'm sorry if it's too personal or dramatic. i already told you about the half of my day. this is the other half. on the way home, i thought my hubby and i are gonna talk so i took the way on our meeting place but then he canceled thinking my parents are gonna wait so he should be home first. i also think it was ok since i was stuck in monday evening traffic. on the bus stop, as usual, there are so many passengers waiting but no buses are coming. so i decided to walk towards where the buses will come from hoping i would hitch even though i'll be standing in the bus aisle. then, it started to rain. rained really hard. i didn't brought my umbrella since i lend it to my husband the other day. i had a laptop in my back pack and my other stuff in my shoulder bag. and all i had is a knitted jacket to cover the backpack. i decided to get back to the bus stop hoping the waiting shed in yet full. but i was too far away. luckily there was an old woman with whom i asked if i could share with her umbrella, even only the laptop bag. 🙂 there are two bus routes i could take, one going directly to my destination, the other would stop at every town before my destination. since it was raining hard i have to choice but to hop in the very first possible bus. unfortunately, it took the other route. it was an ordinary bus, so people are sweating, i was standing with 2 bags and i was wet from the rain. don't get me wrong. i actually didn't pity myself or didn't whine that it was my birthday, i was wet, stuck in traffic... i actually find it funny and i think it came with a reason. of all the days it could happen to me, it was this day. haha! i actually enjoyed the long traveled. re-thinking my life, reminiscing the happy moments, self-criticizing my past decisions, treasuring what i have, counting my blessings. i am now 26 years old. i am young enough, not too late, to do great things. i once thought was a good listener. i thought i know he's thoughts, i thought we were on the same page. but since i got married, my hubby and i only had one vacation, just the two us. and it was after i learned of an affair. we had this vacation thinking maybe we could work things out. i think it he didn't enjoyed it. i was a jealous wife since then. i expected he will do everything to have my trust back again but he didn't. instead he felt trapped. he was not happy. he thought he was a burden to me. he thought he doesn't deserve someone like me. sometimes i what to shout at him, i don't want you to do great things! i just want what a normal husband do! he thought i was too idealistic. but i know he tried or is still trying to be the man i married. it was my mother's idea to spend the night with us 'cause, of course, it was my birthday. i have nothing against my parents actually, i just don't want them to be agitated or have some anxiety attack. my husband told me why he didn't come home and ofcourse i still doubted him but we tried to hide, well, we actually pretended, that we are ok. what made me smile and almost cried was when my daughter sang "happy birthday mommy". my little angel. my hubby had work so after dinner he said goodbye to my daughter and i. he said his greetings and even kissed me in my forehead. if i was superman, he was my kryptonite. i don't know what he got to make me love him. to make me understand him. he called last night to say he was at the office and we needed to talk. but now, he don't answer any my calls or texts. i am between the sunshine and the rain. it feels like i needed to choose. as i told my friends, i know what to do but my feet are not moving. i just want to stay and just go with the flow. i am holding not only my future but my daughter as well. it's such a cliche, but it's true. having an angel, we both know and want the best for her. that is something we still have something in common. i'll just wait.. it's still an option right. people can move on, people can stay and sacrifice. i'm not a big fan of changes. but waiting is still a choice right. i'm not ready to accept our failure. i asked my friend if this is still unconditional love or stupidity. she said you love him that's why it hurts. it's ok to be hurt. you only love. i also think so too. so people. thank you all for the prayers. the response. i'll wait for wherever my boat lead me-- either to the sunshine or the rain. i think i still know how to paddle and to get to my 'dream' port. thank you so much! like some of you said, it's still in our perspective, i couldn't stop and have tantrums, i have a life and a purpose. it's ok to cry but laugh more. prayers and faith are something we all have in us. i'll remember this all. hugs!