endless possibilities

endless possibilities

every time something bad will happen, i accidentally bump my head hard on to something. the first time my hubby, my then boyfriend cheated on me, i bumped into the table near my bed, bumped really hard my father rushed to help me.

few days ago, while cleaning the bathroom, i bumped into the door, clumsily. we are going through some rough roads. the idealistic part of me thinks that this is just a phase that we would get through. but in reality, we are through.

it is too hard for me to accept that i can have or will have (i don’t know the current term) a failed marriage.

i’m not a risk taker. when i went to this relationship, i said to myself, this is it. no other man will i love, he’s the one forever. i was inspired by my grandmother, we all call her “nanay”. you see, my grandfather or “tatay” is Nanay’s first and last bf and ofcourse, husband. she accepted him as he is– a playboy, a kinda bit immature. when Tatay had a stroke, she took care of him no matter what. she accepted the pain, hardship, struggles and all the things it has. i want something like that. something i can call mine forever.

but now, my hubby is giving up. funny because typically or in typical scenarios, i should be angry. he cheated, he is immature. i’ve given all to him. but i’m not angry. i am sad. so sad i wanna just cry and weep all day. i can’t accpet the fact that my all is not enough.

my friends and relatives think that i should leave him. my parents doesn’t know. well, it’s a bit complicated. am i naive to think that i’m the only one thinking of my child’s welfare?

they think that i can just leave him, take my child and ask my parents for help raising her. i don’t want her to be like me– insecure, my talents are not harnessed, i’m just a typical girl.

i want the world opened to her. at a young age i know that she is smart, talented. and in reality, she needs a complete family. i don’t know where to start.

i need a clear view of my path. if fate is real, i need a straight path because it is not only my future at stake but my child also.

sometimes it is hard to tell my friends all my problems, they are single and don’t really understand the burden, no not burden, the responsibility and having a dream for a family.

it is different. when i was single, i can tell unsolicited advise to leave the people that hurt you. i am not that strong.

i know i don’t deserve to be hurt over and over again. but is it hard to think and pray that separation is not the answer? people change right. i know they do. they should.

they said i’m too ideal. following the rules. but in reality, we all should have rules to live by. may it be religion, personal belief. for me it is my dream for a happy family.

you know what, when they say you love a person, everything else like the trials and hardship doesn’t matter? i love that way. i can look pass your mistake and still love you.

but the truth hurts.

when i see this horizon, there are endless possibilities. as of now, i can think how in the world can i get past this trial. where will i go? where will we go?


7 thoughts on “endless possibilities”

  1. It all comes down to what you think is right for you. No matter what your decision, there will always be someone judging, who thinks you made a mistake. But you can’t live your life afraid of what others will think. If you stay with him, you’re wrong. If you leave, you’re wrong. You can never win, so don’t try. Make your decision, then make the best of it no matter what comes after. I did. Thirteen years ago I walked away from a 24 year marriage. I lost friends because of it. I lost a son, who has not spoken to me since. I still feel like it was the best thing. For me. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially my own son.

  2. there’s too much to consider. one time we’re ok, the next we’re fighting like cats and dogs. i once knew the feeling of having only just one parent, well, i still feel their absence but i don’t what my daughter to tell me that i didn’t do my best. maybe be i should get my head bump again to make me realize it more. lol!

    thank you for sharing. it is just so sad.

  3. To live in a bad relationship is not good for neither of you – most of all will your child be effected. For a child will relate to your and your mans relationship as normal, because the child doesn’t know any better and have nothing to compare with. So for the child stop living in relationship where hard words are being used, even for your own sake. It’s a fare to high price to pay to stay in a relationship where nobody is happy and there is no trust. You’re selling your soul and your feelings. Many years ago I was in a relationship where the man hit me and the next day I walked out the door. To be hit in the face or be cheated on is the same thing. In my book is both abuse. When there is no love around and only hard words – your child will be suffering.

  4. we’re not really saying harsh words in front of her. she just notices that we’re sad. i don’t know why it is hard for me to find a way out. am i too scared? too afraid to be alone.

    we talked about this, and i told him, it is hard for me to fight for him if he himself does not fight for us. i’m so confused.

  5. To stay together because of your daughter doesn’t sound healthy of none of you – it’s better to have a “happy” agreement there she both of her parents happy and contempt –but it’s your life and your choice in the end. I have grown up with my grandma and grandpa fulltime, maybe not the best solution, but I didn’t have to worry about mum. Talk to other woman that has been in the same seat.

  6. Hi Charm! Thank you for following my blog. I am now following yours too. I think the quote from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower best sums up my advice to you, “We accept the love we think we deserve”. People can only give so much advice but in the end the decision is still yours. Of whether to stay in a marriage with that kind of man or get out of it and find someone who is more deserving of you. IMO, men who have history of cheating don’t change especially if they have proven that they can get away with it. Harsh but true. Praying for you and your little girl 🙂

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