every time something bad will happen, i accidentally bump my head hard on to something. the first time my hubby, my then boyfriend cheated on me, i bumped into the table near my bed, bumped really hard my father rushed to help me.
few days ago, while cleaning the bathroom, i bumped into the door, clumsily. we are going through some rough roads. the idealistic part of me thinks that this is just a phase that we would get through. but in reality, we are through.
it is too hard for me to accept that i can have or will have (i don’t know the current term) a failed marriage.
i’m not a risk taker. when i went to this relationship, i said to myself, this is it. no other man will i love, he’s the one forever. i was inspired by my grandmother, we all call her “nanay”. you see, my grandfather or “tatay” is Nanay’s first and last bf and ofcourse, husband. she accepted him as he is– a playboy, a kinda bit immature. when Tatay had a stroke, she took care of him no matter what. she accepted the pain, hardship, struggles and all the things it has. i want something like that. something i can call mine forever.
but now, my hubby is giving up. funny because typically or in typical scenarios, i should be angry. he cheated, he is immature. i’ve given all to him. but i’m not angry. i am sad. so sad i wanna just cry and weep all day. i can’t accpet the fact that my all is not enough.
my friends and relatives think that i should leave him. my parents doesn’t know. well, it’s a bit complicated. am i naive to think that i’m the only one thinking of my child’s welfare?
they think that i can just leave him, take my child and ask my parents for help raising her. i don’t want her to be like me– insecure, my talents are not harnessed, i’m just a typical girl.
i want the world opened to her. at a young age i know that she is smart, talented. and in reality, she needs a complete family. i don’t know where to start.
i need a clear view of my path. if fate is real, i need a straight path because it is not only my future at stake but my child also.
sometimes it is hard to tell my friends all my problems, they are single and don’t really understand the burden, no not burden, the responsibility and having a dream for a family.
it is different. when i was single, i can tell unsolicited advise to leave the people that hurt you. i am not that strong.
i know i don’t deserve to be hurt over and over again. but is it hard to think and pray that separation is not the answer? people change right. i know they do. they should.
they said i’m too ideal. following the rules. but in reality, we all should have rules to live by. may it be religion, personal belief. for me it is my dream for a happy family.
you know what, when they say you love a person, everything else like the trials and hardship doesn’t matter? i love that way. i can look pass your mistake and still love you.
but the truth hurts.
when i see this horizon, there are endless possibilities. as of now, i can think how in the world can i get past this trial. where will i go? where will we go?