Picture-less Post #10: let it all out


it’s 11:01 pm.

we had a busy weekend. feeling all out of sorts. i actually want to vent out but i can’t find the words to start how i feel.

i made sure we were tired this weekend. we went to a friend’s house and played with their dog yesterday. Today, we met my grandma.

tiresome travels, we enjoyed. but at the end of the day, the sadness still lingers.

people feel bad for me, having a broken marriage, hubby falling out of love. people do notice that i look fine.  i gained weight. i fix myself. i can smile and talk and cheer people up. last time i cried was a week ago and it’s because i’m fed up of my in-laws.

now, even if i’m too tired, physically tired, this sadness pulls its strings and pushes my limits.

i feel blessed. but i’m torn. i don’t want to be pitied. i don’t want to be seen like i’m smiling means i’m ok. i’m not. i just don’t want to cry. i want to feel loved. for years its the only way i know and i’m now left alone. i just don’t want to cry.

i want my child to have a normal life. my heart is torn into bleeding pieces when i see she’s seeing a family, father, mother, child just hanging out. i can see her want to have that feeling of completeness. helpless. i want to give her that, something she once had, but i can’t. knowing her dad, he wants me to move on. he knows i’m that strong to go on.

where will i go? but to move on.

even if i want to drink, forget all of this. i don’t want my child to have a fucked up life. i want someone, something to blame.

i’m angry at the world. is there morality left in this world? my head’s spinning. i’m tired. i’m hurtful. and i’m blogging. haha!

this is the effect ’cause i just downloaded old photographs from my multiply site. i saw our happiness back then and then the question rose again: what happened to us?

 

10 thoughts on “Picture-less Post #10: let it all out

  1. I understand and feel your pain. Disappointments. Unfulfilled dreams. Uncertain future. Unexpected turn of events. If we can remember that ~God has plans for each of our lives; ~nothing is wasted with God. Everything that we experience (good and bad) can – with His help – make us a better person and enable us to help others; ~God desires to have a personal relationship with Him; ~God’s love for each of us far surpasses human love.

    Charm, please check out my blog today. I will post a nugget that the Lord gave me my first Christmas without my husband, home, lifestyle. I hope it will encourage you. Betty

  2. You have your little girl .. put all your energy into her and her world – put your hope and faith into her heart. I tell you there is no man worth your tears, your pain .. your hurt and unhappiness. You have to move on – when I read about how you feel, I think you’re giving up on yourself for this man – don’t to it. Move on … you have too. One day the man that really loves you both, will stand there …

  3. you’re right. it’s part of moving on. i hate these moments. i always remember what we could have been whenever i see my family. i feel like i’m a disappointment.,

  4. You’re not a disappointment – ask your daughter.
    It’s not only one fault when relationships don’t work out. Please, don’t blame yourself.
    You’re a fantastic woman and you do a fantastic job with your daughter.
    The world is changing – and family are splitting up … I don’t think it’s good for a child to grow up with two parents that don’t love each other – children knows those things.
    And to live with a man that don’t really want to be there, would be unbearable. So start concentrate on yourself and your daughter. She loves you and she are happy over you being her mum.

  5. I won’t “like” this, so mostly I’m leaving a comment to let you know I’m reading – and hoping that letting it all out helps you feel better. Now go give that little girl a hug.

  6. Remember WHO is celebrated at Christmas and WHO gives us new things to look forward to. Traditions and memories are wonderful in themselves, but look beyond things and see God. Celebrate Him. That puts our focus in proper perspective. Betty

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