it’s 11:01 pm.
we had a busy weekend. feeling all out of sorts. i actually want to vent out but i can’t find the words to start how i feel.
i made sure we were tired this weekend. we went to a friend’s house and played with their dog yesterday. Today, we met my grandma.
tiresome travels, we enjoyed. but at the end of the day, the sadness still lingers.
people feel bad for me, having a broken marriage, hubby falling out of love. people do notice that i look fine. i gained weight. i fix myself. i can smile and talk and cheer people up. last time i cried was a week ago and it’s because i’m fed up of my in-laws.
now, even if i’m too tired, physically tired, this sadness pulls its strings and pushes my limits.
i feel blessed. but i’m torn. i don’t want to be pitied. i don’t want to be seen like i’m smiling means i’m ok. i’m not. i just don’t want to cry. i want to feel loved. for years its the only way i know and i’m now left alone. i just don’t want to cry.
i want my child to have a normal life. my heart is torn into bleeding pieces when i see she’s seeing a family, father, mother, child just hanging out. i can see her want to have that feeling of completeness. helpless. i want to give her that, something she once had, but i can’t. knowing her dad, he wants me to move on. he knows i’m that strong to go on.
where will i go? but to move on.
even if i want to drink, forget all of this. i don’t want my child to have a fucked up life. i want someone, something to blame.
i’m angry at the world. is there morality left in this world? my head’s spinning. i’m tired. i’m hurtful. and i’m blogging. haha!
this is the effect ’cause i just downloaded old photographs from my multiply site. i saw our happiness back then and then the question rose again: what happened to us?